Vacation - Part 1 (Thursday - Saturday) Rated R

Yes, yes, I know, sorry to disappoint, but just nothing on the trip occured to warrant a rating of X....

Those of you who have read my other Coz blog (ie. the PG rated version - I said ass a few times or else it could have been a G rating) may find some repitition here, but I assure you, some of the experiences will be much more explained and I won't be sitting in an internet cafe in Coz hurrying.

Also be warned that this could be a really L O N G post. As a matter of fact, multiple posts might be in order here.

Thursday, May 26...I happily sprint out the door of the bank, speed race home and finish packing what will affectionately be know as the Grossly Distended Suitcase From Hell. J happens to be home and I'm thinking how sweet, he took the afternoon off since he won't be seeing me for a week. What an idiot I am...He seriously never got up from the nap he was taking on the couch. Seriously. Whatever. So I manage to load the GDSFH by myself (I think I did it on sheer adrenaline alone)and head over to pick up my mamacita (my grasp of the Spanish language never ceases to amaze me). After indulging my slight OCD issues (yes, I pulled over in a parking lot 3x (and fight the urge several more times) to make sure I packed various items such as BCP, glasses, and dive mask). Get to Ft. W, check in, eat the last beef I'll have for almost two weeks, and go to Old Navy. Yes, b/c my I was truly trying to break the zipper on my suitcase I decided I needed more clothing to take. We head back to the hotel and my mom, God bless her, repacks my suitcase. Yes, my suitcase had a makeover, no longer could it be called the GDSFH, but just a normal suitcase, no expanders unzipped, no unsightly bulges. As Diva said "Momma M has some mad packin' skills." Yes, she does.

Friday, May 27...Mom and I had decided the Ft. W zoo would be nice, so we head to Starbucks for breakfast. I am so hooked on iced caramel macs right now. So we're sitting there minding our business and two birds literally fall off the awning and onto mom. I'm not sure if the birds were fight or making up, but I think mom was just happy that didn't poo on her. She has some bad mojo when it comes to that. We arrive at the zoo just on time for the 10 am opening and seriously make the fastest trip anybody has ever made through the zoo and still manage to see it all.

We're at lunch at my cousin Sandy's house when the phone calls begin.
Me: Hello?!
Sunshine: OMG! I don't know how or what to pack!
Me: UR leaving in 2 hours, u better get w/it....
Sunshine: How many bags are you checking?
Me: One.
Sunshine: Oh, thank god....Click.
Seriously. Then 2 minutes later....
Me: He....
Sunshine: OMG! Howmuchcanmybagweigh?HOwmanyswimsuitsareyoutaking?Didyoupackanalarmclock?blahblahblahblah...................
Me: Uh.
Sunshine: Ok, talk to you later....Click.

Then again, about 5 minutes later....
Me: Girl, you...
Sunshine: I'm taking two suitcases and a carry on.
Me: Ok
Sunshine: See you later. Click.
Me: Uh, ok.

The phone rings again...I'm thinking OMG, Sunshine, get it together! But it's not Sunshine, it's J. Delivering some bad news.
J: My stereo got stolen from the garage.
Me: (I'm thinking wtf am I supposed to do about it, but I say) Oh.
J: Someone wearing TENNIS SHOES took it. And they have big feet.
Me: (Trying not to laugh)Really? Did you have the garage locked?
J: No.
Me: Then lock the garage or they'll take other stuff next time.
J: Is that all you have to say? Don't you think it might be related to the vodka that walked out of the house last weekend.
Me: (the light is coming on). Oh shit. I'll get mom to get the key back from my sister. (who dog/house sat for us the weekend before. She's 19 and like most 19 year olds, you know, has not much of a brain. And says she doesn't know what happened to the vodka or the champagne. Interestingly enough, they left the cheap ass tequila sitting in plain sight. Me, I'd have just taken it all, I wasn't picky when I was 19).

Fast forward to the Hyatt at DFW. I'm hanging out, chatting on the phone when Sunshine calls, I tell her to use the phone bank to ring the hotel for a shuttle. Like 2 minutes later, she was there. It was freaky. We immediately head to the bar because we need beverages. Turns out they were having two conferences at the hotel, one related to gaming and the other related to mind body spirit wellness. The hotel was completely taken over by a large group of Asian young adults. And the girls did not like me or Sunshine. And they were rude. I was thinking for mind body wellness people they were sure hostile. For example, I was standing in line at the restaurant, speaking with the hostess and three girls were standing so on top of me, I could literally not turn around. And when I tried to the nice Excuse me, it's like they were deaf or some shit. Elbows do come in handy sometimes.

We actually made it to bed at decent hour. And I actually got up before the alarm went off! We were running ahead of schedule and went on to the airport. It's a good thing, because the checkin line was forever...people were trying to cut...they'd leave and come back and go well, I was here. I wanted to go "bitch, was is the key word." Thankfully, no one tried to cut in front of me. After standing in the longest line in the world, we finally get to check our bags, except since I'm there, they decide our bags need searching. Yes, I'm two for two on being pulled aside and searched. Last time they couldn't figure out why the wand kept going off on my chest...I was like underwire, asshole, wanna see?

Anyway, I finally get some coffee (I was in need of an IV that day) and eventually board the plane to paradise. Except that the plane didn't go anywhere for like two hours. And we all had to stay in our seats. And it was hot. Because the workers would have gotten blasted by 150 degree air if they turned the A/C on...wah wah wah. Then a kid two rows back starts in with the talking book. Over and over and over and over again. I turn around, all annoyed, which doesn't do much as I can't even see over the seat. Sunshine starts turning around and the lady behind us starts bitching about the kid and before long, there's a bounty on the book AND the kid. The mom finally got a clue and was like sweetie, that's going to bother people...Excuse me, that's GOING to bother people? Then what the hell has it been doing for the past 30 minutes?

Anyway, we finally make it to Coz. Our bags all arrive, we make it through customs with no stops and go to the hotel. Yay!! Instead of immediately changing into swimwear, we put on shorts and get some housekeeping items out of the way...Kickass jeep rental for the week? Check. Check in with the dive shop for our course? Check. Dinner at Casa Denis? Check. Marilyn forgetting to zip her fly? Check. Yes, I forgot to zip the fly of my shorts. Had no idea. Until we walk by one of the awful time share sales guys. You're supposed to just smile and keep walking, paying them no attention. Well, I tried and the guy gets in my face and starts going "can I tell you something?" Sure, don't let me stop you..."Zip it up." I was mortified as the next words out of his mouth were "cause I can see your twat." Yes, he said it. I was DYING. First, I don't like the word. Second, NO HE COULDN'T. He may have thought he could, but guess what? I had on black undies. Who's the joke on now, asshole? Third, as I was walking away, I was wondering exactly how long my undies had been hanging out. Mortified. See why I couldn't put that in the PG blog. I think my mom would have died if she had read that. That or asked me what a twat is....

Stay tuned for the further adventures of Mare and Sunshine in paradise....